How do I cloud?

Step One

To the internet!

To obtain the maximum cloud knowledge (lamborghini's in my lamborghini account) in the least amount of time, with the most memes, you'll want to go to everyone's favourite place: the internet

Google / Bing / DuckDuckGo / Ask Jeeves: "how do I cloud?"

Oh yeah, you already did that bit... uh...

🎉 Success! You made it! 🥳

you, on the internet.

Step Two

Learn the types of cloud

There are 4 types of cloud: public, private, hybrid, Cumulonimbus

Public Cloud: The one you share with everyone else

Private Cloud: The one you roll yourself

Hybrid Cloud: Smush those first two together

Cumulonimbus: Contains rain

Pro's & Con's

Public

Pro: Everyone uses it

Con: Everyone uses it

Private

Pro: No-one uses it

Con: You have to do all the work

Hybrid

Pro: Best of both worlds

Con: You still have responsibility

Cumulonimbus

Pro: Pretty

Con: Wet

Step Three

Figure out the cloud is actually someone else's computer

you did it champ.

Remember how you own all those servers?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but "the cloud" is just you not using your servers, and paying to use papa bezos's servers instead.
There's no magic involved, just big computers.

As you'll be using someone else's hardware, you'll need to decide if that's an acceptable risk.

Step Four

Learn who has computers that you can borrow steal pay to use

There are many cloud providers out there. These are the big 4.

Step Five

Convince the beancounters

Hopefully this one is easy. You're trading capex for opex, so accounting will like that. It's a different budget.

Also throw around the phrase "economies of scale" to sound fancy.

If none of this works just start a long rambling speech consisting mainly of technical jargon until they glaze over. Once they're out, loudly say "would you agree?" to snap them back to reality and sign you a blank cheque.

Pro Tip:

To get started with AWS, you should look at the Simple Monthly Calculator
If you're using AWS, you can save money with tactful utilisation of Cost Explorer & Trusted Advisor

Step Six

Get up and running

Spend some dough, spin up some servers.

Time for some fun! Log into whatever console you signed up for, and start poking around.

Step Seven

Security configuration

Store all of your data unencrypted in an unsecured, public S3 bucket. All the cool kids do it.
For security you'll probably want to name it something obscure, like 'reditcay-ardscay'. 1337 haxx0rs will never be able to figure it out.

See how dumb that sounds? don't do that. people do that and pay the price.
In fact, AWS makes all new S3 buckets private by default, so you really have to want to mess this step up.

Step Eight

Blockchain

We've gotta get in on this blockchain stuff. Lets deploy our critical infrastructre on it. Or you know, just visit the Forbes website and get served a bitcoin miner from a dodgy ad.
forbes you can't sue me cos it's true.

Step Nine

SERVERLESS

Just like the blockchain, all the k00l k1dz r doin it.

Step 1: take your servers

Step 2: throw them in the trash

Step 3: λ

Who even needs servers anyway?

Step Ten

Get Hacked. Whoops.

On the plus-side, you can totally spin this into a masterbatory linkedin post about "cyber threats in a modern world".
Make sure to never admit fault - you could even blame your customers.
Also make sure to make a jab at your current/previous employer in the process.

Step Eleven

Accidentally trigger the robot uprising

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

Step Twelve

The End

You did it! You actually did the cloud. I'm so proud of you!

party time