Step One
To the internet!
To obtain the maximum cloud knowledge (lamborghini's in my lamborghini account) in the least amount of time, with the most memes, you'll want to go to everyone's favourite place: the internet
Google / Bing / DuckDuckGo / Ask Jeeves: "how do I cloud?"
Oh yeah, you already did that bit... uh...
Step Two
Learn the types of cloud
There are 4 types of cloud: public, private, hybrid, Cumulonimbus
Public Cloud: The one you share with everyone else
Private Cloud: The one you roll yourself
Hybrid Cloud: Smush those first two together
Cumulonimbus: Contains rain
Pro's & Con's
Pro: Everyone uses it
Con: Everyone uses it
Pro: No-one uses it
Con: You have to do all the work
Pro: Best of both worlds
Con: You still have responsibility
Pro: Pretty
Con: Wet
Step Three
Figure out the cloud is actually someone else's computer
Remember how you own all those servers?
Well, I hate to break it to you, but "the cloud" is just you not using your servers, and paying to use papa bezos's servers instead.
There's no magic involved, just big computers.
As you'll be using someone else's hardware, you'll need to decide if that's an acceptable risk.
Step Four
Learn who has computers that you can borrow steal pay to use
There are many cloud providers out there. These are the big 4.
Step Five
Convince the beancounters
Hopefully this one is easy. You're trading capex for opex, so accounting will like that. It's a different budget.
Also throw around the phrase "economies of scale" to sound fancy.
If none of this works just start a long rambling speech consisting mainly of technical jargon until they glaze over. Once they're out, loudly say "would you agree?" to snap them back to reality and sign you a blank cheque.
- To get started with AWS, you should look at the Simple Monthly Calculator
- If you're using AWS, you can save money with tactful utilisation of Cost Explorer & Trusted Advisor
Step Six
Get up and running
Spend some dough, spin up some servers.
Time for some fun! Log into whatever console you signed up for, and start poking around.
Step Seven
Security configuration
Store all of your data unencrypted in an unsecured, public S3 bucket. All the cool kids do it.
For security you'll probably want to name it something obscure, like 'reditcay-ardscay'. 1337 haxx0rs will never be able to figure it out.
See how dumb that sounds? don't do that. people do that and pay the price.
In fact, AWS makes all new S3 buckets private by default, so you really have to want to mess this step up.
Step Eight
Blockchain
We've gotta get in on this blockchain stuff. Lets deploy our critical infrastructre on it. Or you know, just visit the Forbes website and get served a bitcoin miner from a dodgy ad.forbes you can't sue me cos it's true.
Step Nine
SERVERLESS
Just like the blockchain, all the k00l k1dz r doin it.
Step 1: take your servers
Step 2: throw them in the trash
Step 3: λ
Step Ten
Get Hacked. Whoops.
On the plus-side, you can totally spin this into a masterbatory linkedin post about "cyber threats in a modern world".Make sure to never admit fault - you could even blame your customers.
Also make sure to make a jab at your current/previous employer in the process.
Step Eleven
Accidentally trigger the robot uprising
Step Twelve
The End
You did it! You actually did the cloud. I'm so proud of you!
Secret Step Thirteen
Actually Learn to Cloud
This has been mostly satire, but there's some actual advice I'd like to impart.
If you actively want to learn to work with cloud environments, there's an excellent beginners guide out there: